I am writing this the night of April 29th and we just laid our one-year-old down for bed. She refused to nap all day and is zonked from a long weekend of birthday celebrations. I'm going to have to get used to saying "one-year-old," it has a bittersweet ring to it. I know I have said this before, but I don't think I realized just how fast time passes until I had my daughter. So much has changed over this year, from becoming a parent to starting not one, but two new jobs, to learning how to navigate old and new relationships, all while striving to be the best momma to my daughter. I've learned a lot about myself, emotionally and physically, and have changed in ways I didn't expect. But for as much as I have changed, I am pleasantly surprised to feel more like myself than ever before. I have accepted things about myself that I once hated and learned to protect parts of myself that I thought would have gone by the wayside by now. This year has been the most beautiful and heart-opening experience of my life; I honestly don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for my daughter. Unfortunately, I wasn't always this happy, and for the longest time, I felt like I was in a pretty dark place. I was uncertain about my future, my career path, my artistic practice, and my inner self-worth. I didn't treat my body with nearly as much love as I do now, I didn't respect my own limits, I didn't put as much effort into my marriage, and I didn't care as strongly for my home or its role in my life. Quite honestly, I think I was struggling with mild depression and probably should have reached out to a professional, but as I said, I wasn't placing much importance on my self-care, love, or worth. I was getting by. I am extremely proud of myself for the strides I have made this year, and the care I have given myself, that I feel content admitting all of this. I don't think I really considered how poorly I was treating myself physically, mentally, and emotionally until we really started trying for a baby. That was huge to me, although I still don't think I understood the significance of that decision until I learned I was pregnant.
So how does this even play into my daughter's first birthday? Well, her birthday is just as much a celebration of her being here for a year as it is for me being present for myself for a year. In order for me to be the best momma I could and can be, I had to really build myself up. I began caring for myself in a way I never had before, I had to show up for me in order to show up for her. And she allowed me, even encouraged and supported me to do so, without even uttering a word. Throughout my pregnancy, I did my best to slow down and be present with my body, to acknowledge and appreciate the changes I was experiencing, and to welcome her growing life. That time was a precursor to who I am today. It made me gentler and kinder, happier and purposeful. She was preparing me before she even arrived to become the mother she needed, empowering me to become the person I needed to be for myself. Over this year I have learned to say "no," to not over commit and run myself to the ground, and to let go of people and places that once seemed so important. I have learned to be prepared, to appreciate early mornings, to ask for help, to check in with my body and mind, and recognize and appreciate my limits. I have also learned how to properly wash cloth diapers, to shower with my fragile baby in my arms, to sing at the top of my lungs and also in a whisper, to open and close a squeaky door without making a sound, to nurse in front of complete strangers, to nurse in general, to comfort my baby with the touch of my hand, and to love unconditionally. And today I learned that I did not need to cry to fully feel this day. Instead of wasting my energy crying about the bittersweetness of that will now always come on April 29th, I instead used it on precious time with my daughter. She has taught me to value time.
Her endless love over the course of this year is a love that no one else can or will ever have for me. She needs me, wants me, and is able to fully express it without even being able to properly talk. I am overwhelmed daily with the beautiful moments of her life and the shared time we have, but also with a looming sense of sadness for the same time that passes so quickly. I don't think everyone needs to have a child to feel or experience these emotions, I just think I personally needed to have a child to grasp the preciousness of life. Her calm demeanor and gentle brown eyes remind me to savor this life. And as much as I like to take credit for creating, carrying, and birthing my sweet child, it is actually her who made me.
