It's only January 31st and this year has already thrown so many changes at me it's hard to keep track. But it's good practice for me to sit down and write, remember, reflect because at the speed this year is going, it'll be a struggle to remember what happened today by tomorrow. To start off, we had the quietest, calmest New Year's Eve and it was absolutely refreshing. No parties, no poor decisions, just the three of us, warm, safe, and in bed by ten. I wanted to leave 2018 and start the new year with a clear and open mind. I also began my new position as Curator at University Galleries of Illinois State University, and let me just say I am overjoyed to be there. This was a position I dreamed about, a workplace that, even as an outsider, seemed supportive, caring, and encouraging to their staff, with a gallery that is just as beautiful as its rich history. Last week I was asked if I was enjoying working there, I said it was a privilege. I truly feel that way and my impression is that everyone else working there feels the same.
With that, there have been many changes in our household, most good, some bittersweet, but all manageable and telling of our family. My new position is full-time, and while I have never held a single full-time job before, I have spent the last three years piece-milling multiple jobs to make full-time work; a job in and of its self. I am still in the mindset of starting a new job since I only began work as the curator at Illinois Central College eight months ago, but I was able to bring her to work, or if I needed to be away from her it was only for a few hours here and there, so to say I was nervous about leaving her all day would be an understatement. I was a wreck, and those closet to me had the privilege of hearing all about it. Sorry. And I should preface this by saying that I am not commenting on anyone who decides to be a stay-at-home parent. I admire you for that. It is hard, laborious, exhausting work, I appreciate and respect your decision. My returning to work, starting a completely new job rather, is what we decided would be best for our family and the trajectory in which we hope to be on. Our daughter has only lived nine short months, eight of which have been attached to my hip, or breast, I should say. So yeah, leaving her for extended periods of time and missing out on her is the worst FOMO I have ever experienced. But with that, I am able to acknowledge that I am thriving, I am learning, and I am improving as a curator, educator, and artist. My co-workers are the absolute best, they are genuine and I feel like we have become friends almost instantly, and I get to work with some fantastic artists and look at, experience, and research art daily. Most importantly, I am growing as a mother and role model for our daughter. Zach and I talked often about how this would change our home environment, and he assured me that while our daughter would, in fact, miss me and still love me, she would also benefit from being with family and grow as an individual. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "If I work full-time, will my child still love me," but I feel completely content with our decision and thankful that our family has offered to watch her. We are beyond fortunate in our situation. We make sure there is consistency and routine to her day while appreciating the different experiences she has with those who care for her throughout the week. Watching her excited kicks and smile grow ear-to-ear as her aunt Jordy walks through the door or seeing her light up when she sees her Grandma, are reminders that she feels safe and loved even when we cannot be there.
Since starting this job, I have a better understanding of my husband and his need for calm, relaxing weeknights and selective outings on the weekends. With some exceptions, I have been spoiled with the hours I work, being able to mold the day how I see fit. So I have been trying to be more mindful with my time, meaning I wake up between 5 and 5:30 am to have alone time to work on my personal projects and set intentions for the day before my commute to work. Yes, I commute to work, about 45 minutes there and 45 minutes back, and I actually enjoy it. Our weekends are spent doing only the things we want to while trying to feel less obligated to attend everything or get everything "done." They are usually spent at home reading, playing with our daughter, catching up with friends and family, and making in the studio. I do feel guilty from time to time about not having enough energy to see my friends like I used to, so I have been trying to text more, sending little reminders that they are on my mind, and when I can pause for a coffee, or beer, I do. I was worried that Zach and I would have less time together, and while that is true some days, most days it feels like we have more. Perhaps we have been carving space for more quality time, which seems to be the case for the time I spend with my daughter too. I loved being with her 24/7, don't get me wrong, but honestly, some days were draining and even though we were together, that didn't always mean the time was quality. So I have been especially proactive about this, and find I am valuing our togetherness maybe even more than before. This has lead to falling into the beautiful trap of co-sleeping. I know, I know, it's not recommended, looked down upon by doctors, discouraged by almost all experts...but when you don't see your little one throughout the day, those night cuddles, nursing marathons, and 3 am playdates are so worth it. These changes, to us and our home, have thankfully felt natural and we have fallen into, and are embracing, this new rhythm.
