Today is Father's Day, so naturally, I’m thinking about on my husband and his new(ish) role as Dad. He has grown so much over the past year, as a father, partner, and friend. From the early moments of her life to her squishy little toddler self, it has been the most incredible relationship to watch unfold. The first time he held her, through weakened and blurry eyesight from the intensity of labor, I could make out how gentle he was being with her. Tender and beaming with love. He cut her umbilical cord, a symbolic gesture that expressed his deep care for me and his future with her. The week after arriving home from the hospital was a true testament to his love for us, although his relationship with our daughter didn’t form immediately. In Lamaze class, we were warned that the baby and daddy bond is not as instant as the one between momma and baby. Unfortunately, this was the case for us. While Zach loved her and cared passionately for her as an infant, he didn’t feel as needed by her like I was during those first couple of months. Of course, my relationship with her was quite different, having carried her in my womb, but I was also nursing. Zach’s role during the beginning was to change diapers and comfort me as I was navigating recovery, nursing, and post-postpartum emotions and hormones. He took on this caretaker role with pride, although I could see he was struggling with the lack of connection to our daughter. She couldn’t be comforted by his smell like she was with mine, he couldn’t soothe her with his voice, and because I was nursing, he seldom fed her. But he tried, and with time it became easier, more natural, and rewarding. He cuddled her skin-to-skin, helping familiarize her to his smell. He sang and read to her, making his voice more of a presence. And he bottle fed her breastmilk from time to time, giving me a break. Of all the things he could not do, he knew what he had to do and that was watching and caring for me, and…changing diapers. He loved me during that time in a way that I have not been loved before. He was in tune with my emotions, carefully watching for signs of the baby-blues, and later postpartum depression, he woke with me throughout the long night-feedings, and he held me during moments of fragility when I longed for closeness and comfort.
This reflection is also about our shared parenting experiences—the fragility of pregnancy and nesting, the raw, pure intensity of childbirth, and the joy, excitement, frustrations, and misunderstandings that have accompanied our shift into parenthood. Our relationship changed significantly as we morphed into our new selves. We found ourselves desperately trying to hold onto the old life, knowing full well we just needed to lean into the new. He tried to have “guys nights” a couple of times, which considering my fragile state, left me feeling overlooked and forgotten. And I tried to stay up late like I used to—writing, reading, making—but this resulted in deeper exhaustion and irritability. It took us some time to get used to our new stage in life, but we managed and became better when we let go. With time, we realized we should go to bed sooner, prepare for the next day the night before, take turns seeing friends, and invest our time into much needed date nights. Since last Father’s Day, we have made so many adjustments to simplify the day-to-day and embrace full heartily our life as parents. This morning, over pancakes and coffee, I asked him if this Father’s Day felt different, he looked at her said their relationship has grown.
Seeing him with her has brought back so many memories of me and my sisters with our Dad. He was never scared to be himself around us, to go against the grain, and treat us as people capable of understanding this complicated thing we call life. He would play rough with us, teaching us early in life how to protect ourselves and stand up for what we believed in, even if into adulthood that went against his ideologies. He made it known that we could do anything we set our hearts to, and then watched as we made dreams into reality. He has been in the darkest of places but never forgot us, never made us feel unloved, and because of his life experiences, he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know (besides my saint of a mother of course.) He has an open door policy and will meet you where you are, how you are, and help you in any way he can. I have seen him loan money, cars, rooms in his own house to people who need a bump in life. He has given jobs to people who could find no other means of employment, and has instilled that love for people and understanding of darkness and pain in my sisters and I. To which we are all very lucky.
I have fond memories of him taking me and my best friend Ethan to work with him at Teske's, our family's pet and garden store. We were about eight or nine and he paid us each ten bucks at the end of the day, even though money was tight. We roamed the store, wearing our oversized Teske’s shirts and played with the animals all day. He helped the two of us create memories, that even through loss, are irreplaceable. Later in life, when Ethan struggled with drug abuse, he saw himself in him and offered Ethan a job mowing lawns. My sister Taylor and I were also working for our dad that summer, and the three of us made the most of our time together; often hot, sweaty, covered in grass and dirt, laughing and talking the entire day. We learned how to be kids again, how to appreciate one another, and made every attempt to fold ourselves into each others completely different ways of life. Today is Ethan's death date, unfortunately it falls on Father's Day every other year. I'm always thinking about him though and what a gift my Dad gave to us, to have that time together. I am forever grateful to him for that.
I am also grateful for the man who helped my husband become who he is, his dad. My Father-in-law has always welcomed me into his home, with a smile and a hug, and if I'm lucky, a Jeffarita. I remember on our wedding day he hugged me and kissed me on my cheek—an embrace of affection that has stuck with me ever since. To me, it was a moment of acceptance, letting me know I was now one of his own. In the months after our daughter's birth, he made it clear he was available on a moments notice to babysit or give us some time alone. Since starting my new job, he has helped babysit her weekly, and I know watching her grow and change every week has been a joy in his life similar to those moments with his own children. She is lucky to have that time with him.
So today, June 16th, Father's Day 2019, I am celebrating not only the Father's in my life, my husband, my Dad, and Father-in-law, but also my Ethan. They have helped mold me into myself, helped me loosen up about life, to appreciate people a little more, and to be kinder to myself. I love them all.